Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Mess that is Texas

I was walking down the street today, enjoying the tourist rabble that infest, um, visit Danshuei every weekend, when a dude walked by with a "Don't Mess With Texas" t-shirt. WTF? I guess a lot of Taiwanese folk visit Texas because, I dunno. If you had to choose one state from the US of A, why would you choose Texas? Because it is an upgrade from Oklahoma?

Anyway, I found it odd, but also a challenge that required a response. Texas, I will damn well mess with you any time I like. What makes you so special? Folks from Delaware don't wear t-shirts that say "Don't Mess With Delaware". They wear t-shirts that say "Delaware? Where is Delaware?".

Texas can be messed with on several fronts. To wit:

1) In the beginning, you could not even decide which country you belonged to. "We are Mexican." "We are French." "We are Spanish." "We are American, but Confederate." Honestly, you are like a women picking out shoes.

2) The Alamo. You lost.

3) You are flatter than a mall parking lot. In fact, I believe the original mall parking lot was designed based on Texas specifications. I am sure the designers had a meeting and said "Just make it big and flat like Texas."

4) Your weather sucks. Or blows, I can't make up my mind. If it is not horribly hot and humid, then that means a hurricane is devastating the trailer parks.

5) I worked with a guy who had a big Texas flag hanging in his office. In Massachusetts. And he wore cowboy boots with his shirt, tie, and dress pants. OK, we get it. You are from the state that is flat with bad weather. Why does that entitle you to dress like an idiot?

6) The Dallas Cowboys. Back in the day, the Cowboys were America's team. Roger Staubach, Tom Landry, who can argue? But now you and Tony Romo are just tabloid fodder. What was your record last year. Hmm, gotta surf the Interweb to check this out. Wait a sec.... Oh, 9-7. That's like kissing your sister, but with tongue.

7) You have an inordinate amount of rednecks. I was working on a project in North Bumfuck TX, and I had a discussion with a gentleman who had decided that he needed to keep guns in his house because, if the US govmint collapsed, he could fight off the US military that were coming to rape his wife and children. Or some such.

8) One word. Waco.

Normally I would end this rant with a good ol' "Texas. You suck." But in reality, Texas, you're not that bad. Just a bit full of yourself. Get over it. And stop selling those ludicrous "Don't Mess with Texas" t-shirts. Especially to Taiwanese visitors who will wear any t-shirt that has an English language phrase printed on it.


  1. Ha, ha, ha! I grew up in Texas and this is spot on. Texans can either be viewed as proud... Or overly full of themselves.

    It would have been interesting to see someone over there with that shit, though.

  2. My dad was from Tehas as is most of his family. A lot of them still are there. Pass the beer nuts please...

  3. My dear man, it should read "inordinate NUMBER of rednecks." -- The Grammar Nazi

  4. @ Grammar Nazi - Thanks for the correction. It ordinates me.

  5. @ Shiny Rod - Please don't go all AWG on me. Mock Massachusetts if you must. I could give you some suggestions...

  6. Ha! I am from Delaware and most folks think we are a county of PA. When folks ask if we are the North or the South, we just answer "We are just confused."

    What do we get from Texas? Well for the past 10 years I have been helping families who have fled Texas (in really shocking numbers and moe than any other state)and relocated here who had children with severe developmental disabilities for services...cause before Bush left for the White House...he was sure to strip special services to nada. So they also don't take care of their less to me...they suck donkey balls.