Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It is Lingering. Man is it Lingering.

I am sure that almost every person alive today (except Sean Hannity) has experienced the sensation of having a song "stuck in my head". Perhaps this did not occur in earlier times. I can't picture Attila the Hun walking around humming Hall and Oates "Your Kiss is On My Lips". But nowadays it seems to be perfectly normal.

For me, the sensation usually lasts a day or two. In really bad cases, I will actually play the song out loud and that will clear things. But currently I have had the same friggin' song lodged in my brain for at least THREE WEEKS! Linger by the Cranberries. Even now, the part where Dolores (rhymes with a female body part) "oooohs" her way through the intro. It keeps looping through my skull. God/Allah/Buddah, please make it stop.

So I have decided that the only way to make it stop is to mock it. I will mock Linger. Like nobody has mocked Linger since 1993.

First, the band name. What kind of lame band name is "The Cranberries"? I guess noun-based band names can be just about anything you want: "The Dot Matrix Printers", "The Custom Hubcaps", "The Herbaceous Perennials". Actually, these are all good band names. For bands that simply couldn't make the effort to formulate a real band name. Like "Jethro Tull" or "White Stripes".

Second, the band. Where do they rate in alt-rock-indie-post-punk-art-rock band pantheon? Top 100? Maybe top 50? Hard to tell.

Third, the concept of the song. Poor Delores is stuck in love with some douchebag who ignores her and treats her badly. There are literally millions of women who fall into this same category. Why should that stick in my head?

Third, the video. Have you seen this thing? Black and white, blurry shots, some scary German-looking peeping tom, Delores looking all bummed out, some Hasidic Jews. I guess I am not artsy-fartsy enough to process the images. The antique porno films are a plus, but not enough of a plus to explain this mess.

Fourth, the lyrics. Courtesy of http://www.elyrics.net/, because I can't figure out what Delores is talking about half the time. "if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade." What? I think this line was penned because return rhymes with burn. "If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie". Duh. The guy is lying to you. He is not going to stop. "Do you have to let it linger?" This line is repeated ad-nauseum. In the song and in my brain. For the last 3 WEEKS! Delores, I'm beggin' you to stop. And what does this line mean? Linger, like, what?

Fifth, the music. Actually, the music is fairly good. Not too art-house pretentious. Damn.

Sixth, Delores. Actually, quite fetching. But changing the hairstyle every week is a sure sign of mental health issues. Which I guess is the whole point of the Linger song.

There, Linger has been mocked. And it is still looping in my head. Please send helpful comments. This could go on for months, and nobody wants that.


  1. B double e double r un, beer run!!! Make it stop. Hey, what's wrong with Jethro Tull. Now Pink Floyd, there's a name change waiting to happen. Just put on a Jimmy Buffett album and it will go away.

  2. Now it is stuck in my head. Thanks-A-Fucking-Lot. Hope it goes away for both of us soon.

  3. Hate when song gets stuck...fortunately I am have such a short attention span and so much crap in my head that usually is not a problem.

    Blonde Goddess rocks...worship her.

  4. Usually a good substitute earworm can be found in the "If I only had a brain" song from The Wizard of Oz.

    It's a classic, and therefore unmockable.

  5. I have successfully performed Taiwan's first earworm tranplant. The Song That Shall Not Be Named has been replaced with "I Confess" by English Beat. Yay me!